Archive for February, 2011

Open letter to the Australian media – the sequel

February 28, 2011 13 comments

It’s been a few months since my last letter so I thought I’d take the opportunity to catch up and let you know what I thought of your recent performance.

I didn’t think you could improve on your performance during last year’s election, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that you had leapt ahead in streets and bounds.  Here are some of my favourite aspects to your performance.

1.   Simple is best. And by this of course I mean the simplicity of the Australian public is the best thing for you.  By feeding them a constant stream of dumbed down content so that anything complex is reduced to a three word slogan or 20 second sound bite you are doing them a big favour by not making them think too much about their news and telling them what they need to hear.  After all there’s nothing worse than sitting down after a long days work and having to think about some matter of public importance…far better to have a catchy slogan of trite sound bite instead.

2.  Facts are not your friends. Well to be more precise, the complete facts are not your friends…facts in isolation or out of context work wonderfully well for you.  Take the brouhaha about the carbon tax for example.  If you had mentioned the election promise occurred before the hung parliament and before the need to negotiate everything with the Greens and Independents, hence wasn’t really a back down but more of an acceptance of the way things have to be, then you wouldn’t have got nearly the same level of outrage (and website hits/sales…kaching!) as when you simply repeated over and over “broken election promise”.  It’s also commendable that you managed to convince everyone that this is the only time this has ever happened in the history of politics in Australia…masterstroke.

3.  There’s no such thing as a bad disaster. Disaster porn is an absolute gold mine for you all, and you squeezed every single morsel out of it that you possibly could…mind you there’s been a few to practice with hasn’t there.  It’s so easy to do…basically shoot a few high profile bods off to the middle/surrounds of the affected area with a camera crew and raincoat/hardhat/gumboots, live cross to them every 15 minutes and capture the anguish/empathy for the affected citizens.  Cap it all off with a montage of people being brave set to some sweeping music and you have yourself a winner.  Plus, even though you’ve outlaid for the people to fly there it’s a massive cost saver because you don’t need to sink any money into investigating real news.

4.  Trivia is king. When investigating real news is too hard or it would take too much effort to get the facts behind a serious story, then trivia or celebrity or preferably both is your sure-fire route to success.  After all how else do you explain how the budding relationship of an ex-cricketer/piss-poor TV host and actor/model became headline news for 3 days?  Don’t forget this is why Today Tonight and A Current Affair have such a thriving viewership.


In all it has been a pleasing performance from you all, particularly in your contest in the race to the bottom…after all it doesn’t matter who comes first you all eventually get there.  And no-one ever went broke underestimating the Australian public.

Keep up the good work.



Malcom Turnbull pwns himself

February 24, 2011 Leave a comment

In yet another feeble attempt to damage the brand of the NBN, Malcolm Turnbull has let loose with another article aneuryism inspired fiction waste of bandwidth where he’s beating the drum that fibre = bad, wireless = good, NBN = bad yada yada yada…you get the drill.

Of course he is being royally savaged by the commenters who are pointing out his massive stupidity/hypocrisy/complete lack of a clue.

Not to be out-done, one of the loyal trolls pipes up with this pearl of wisdom:

“Want to improve your current download speed? Upgrade the processor and load a bit more memory into your computer. I did and two examples of response times using Bigpond cable. The computer which hosts my domain name is in the USA; it collects all my mail and redirects it to me at Bigpond. I sent myself a message and it went to the US and was back on my screen in 13 seconds! I also have an email account at a US site. An email to myself initiated here in Sydney went to the US email site, then to my domain host, then to Bigpond and came up on my screen in 15 seconds! Can’t figure out why the Government isn’t telling us to upgrade our home computers. Oh silly me! It would damage the case for the NBN more than a little wouldn’t it?”

I never knew it was that easy!!!  I reckon to squeeze just a little bit extra out on top of that you should paint your computer and modem red…everyone knows red stuff goes faster right?

NBN critics – final straw clutched

February 18, 2011 3 comments

I was watching Sunrise this morning (yes…I know) and was interested when I heard them touting an upcoming story regarding the NBN making us vulnerable to cyber attack, complete with dramatic music.

So with all the lead up my interest was piqued and I listened intently…what a waste of my time.

They had a cybersecurity expert on and the first question was “will the NBN make us more vulnerable”.  He tried desperately to stick to the narrative, but the upshot was that faster internet = faster browsing = more sites visited = more chance of malware/viruses….THAT’S IT.

Now call me cynical, but that’s a massive bow to draw to tie to the NBN, and doubly feeble in its execution…I mean where was all the doomsaying and sky-is-falling-we’re-all-going-to-die?  Frankly I’ve come to expect a certain standard of quality from media beat-ups and this just doesn’t quite cut the mustard.

To sum up, this says it all really.


Opposition shows true colours…AGAIN

February 16, 2011 2 comments

Once again the Opposition has shown that there is no measure to how low they will go in their attempts to force their way into Government.

Noted humanitarian Scott Morrison has been polluting the airwaves with his notion that the Government shouldn’t have “wasted” taxpayer dollars flying the families of those victims of the Christmas Island drownings to Sydney for the funerals..after all those refos are rolling in it, why couldn’t they pay for their own ticket.

Frankly this just turns my stomach.  The cost of the airfares would probably be substantially less than what this arsehole has for a stationery allowance in a year (especially toner 🙂 ) and he has the nerve to raise this.  Of course he’s attempting to pander to the Liberals’ loyal following of mouth-breathers and Alan Jones listeners, and has a really good go at it by conflating two of their main (only?) talking points:  refugees and Government waste.  Naturally not wanting to miss a media grab (especially as Mark Riley wasn’t around), Abbott jumps in as well, because as we all know the Independents are simply frothing at the mouth looking for a chance to dump the Government and by golly a few thousand bucks for flying refugees to a funeral sounds like the perfect opportunity.  Arseclown.

Daring to be different, Uncle Joe Hockey pops up with a faux-compassionate take in an attempt to differentiate himself from the raving lunatics in his own party.  Couple this with his attempts to get back on Sunrise on a regular basis and it looks like he’s laying the groundwork for his own tilt as the next big Liberal failure when Abbott get knifed/self-combusts/implodes/gets staked through the heart.

But before we all go into raptures at the thought of a “moderate” Liberal leader, we shouldn’t forget that Joe is the man who:

– was part of the chain of clueless that comprised the Opposition’s budget reply last year

– thinks that having an accounting firm check that your spreadsheet totals add up is an audit

– thinks that $11 billion of bullshit pre-election costings aren’t really that important

Luckily for the Opposition the media has their back and you can expect them to be fully covered by spin and FUD whenever their true incompetence comes to light.

2010 in review

February 14, 2011 1 comment

The stats helper monkeys at mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A helper monkey made this abstract painting, inspired by your stats.

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 5,900 times in 2010. That’s about 14 full 747s.


In 2010, there were 71 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 16 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 410kb. That’s about a picture per month.

The busiest day of the year was June 24th with 114 views. The most popular post that day was Link dump – leadership spill edition.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were,,,, and

Some visitors came searching, mostly for rspt explained, spray of the day, rspt explanation, explanation of rspt, and tony abbott.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.


Link dump – leadership spill edition June 2010


New media and the right whingers October 2010
20 comments and 1 Like on,


RSPT explanation…idiot proof May 2010


Link dump July 2010


Dead horse being flogged mercilessly November 2010

Categories: Uncategorized

Tony Abbott reclamation project begins

February 9, 2011 9 comments

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past 12 hours, you will no doubt have heard the latest gaffe from Tony Abbott to hit the airwaves, recorded during his trip to Afghanistan.

Now after first viewing you’d think he sounds like a totally insensitive prick (now where would we get that idea from) but after a bit of further explanation you come to realise his comment was in relation to the broader aspect of war itself. All well and good and easily explainable.  As you would expect the Liberal cronies have jumped all over this with the usual barrel of excuses…he was taken out of context, it’s a media beat-up, it wasn’t written down so it doesn’t mean anything, yada, yada, yada.

But here’s the kicker.  Yes the reporter was “journalist” Mark Riley, not exactly a paragon of objective reporting, and he had to jump through some hoops to actually get the footage i.e. an FOI request.  He then arranged the interview with Abbott via his press secretary, gave him a transcript of the footage and let them know what he was going to ask, then gave them 2 and a half hours notice to prepare.  Ample time you would think, yes?

Watching the interview itself, I wasn’t so much concerned with the words spoken…typical TA stuff that would be rapidly glossed over by the media as far as I could see…but his response after being pulled up by Riley was just astonishing.  The visual of Abbott with a hideous rictus on his face giving rapid little head nods and just staring at Riley for a full 70 seconds was just horrifying.  It gave the impression that he was too stunned to utter a coherent sentence and his pissweak final response of “I’ve given you the response you deserve” was quite frankly a disgrace for someone who is supposedly a gifted parliamentary performer.

The spinning has furiously started already, with it being cast as an ambush interview and poor Tony was taken completely by surprise by those nasty media types.  Of course, for anyone who has actually observed the media for the past 18 months this is so hypocritical as to be beyond description, but I can see this as the start of an attempted sympathy uprising for Tony to try to recover lost ground after his piss-poor performance  after the recent disasters in Queensland.

I may be over-estimating the Machiavellian skills of the LNP but does anyone else find the timing of this breaking story to be incredibly convenient, considering the amount of sympathy reporting he is likely to get from anyone apart from Channel 7?

To my mind the part that should be focussed on is his response to the questioning.  Either he was completely taken by surprise at Riley’s refusal to toe the media line and let him get away with anything, or he is so poor at thinking on his feet that he had a mini-meltdown and brain lock.

Whatever the cause, that is not the way anyone who aspires to leadership should react to a difficult situation.

Tony Abbott – nothing but FAIL

February 3, 2011 3 comments

Tony, Tony, Tony…ah he’s the gift that just keeps on giving.

Since the beginning of year it’s been one brain fart after another for the Mad Monk, leading us all to realise just how tightly controlled he was during the election.  Frankly I’m surprise we didn’t have photos of Brian Loughnane with his hand up Abbott’s back working his mouth in that period.

Tony’s recent outstanding performances have really come to light since the rains and flooding in Queensland, and he’s just powered on through ever since.

Firstly, he’s opened up with a lovely duet with Bananaby Joyce of “government didn’t build dams so the flooding is their fault”.  There’s so much fail in this statement it’s hard to know where to begin, but the obvious one is that it’s impossible to dam a FLOOD PLAIN YOU MORON.  Also the fact that his state counterparts were against the dams should have given him pause, but that’s for weaker, more logical minds than his.

Next, in the peak of the floods he’s come out with the gem that he wasn’t going to politicise the disaster, but instead was going to go up there and make sure the government didn’t waste any money.  This shows us exactly where his priorities lie…not assisting people after a natural disaster, but money.  The man’s a positive saint!  How he didn’t get elected PM with that caring, all-inclusive attitude I’ll never know.

He then proceeded to return to his holidays…not necessarily a bad thing as it left the people who would actually be useful helping out at ground zero.  Of course he then saw Kevin Rudd getting press coverage by helping out (in his own electorate) so thought he’d get some of that.  He rocked up somewhere muddy, washed a couple of walls WHILE WEARING SUIT PANTS and then pissed off again once the cameras had finished “accidentally” catching him at work.  Truly a man of the people.

He then doubled-down in the hypocrisy stakes by whinging about the one-off levy the Government is going to impose to rebuild Qld infrastructure by:

a)  Stating that people wouldn’t want to pay twice and lying about the fact that the levy is for rebuilding and not for giving to people directly.

b)  Ignoring the fact that his Government imposed 6 levies during their time in office, none of which were to fund infrastructure programs, and most used to compensate for ideologically driven programs like the deregulation of the milk and sugar industries or Ansett failure.  I do agree with the gun buy back one though.

Which finally brings us to today.

To continue with his meme of responsible government by opposing everything, Tony has decided to try to block the levy legislation in Parliament.  After all why should everyone pay for those bloody Qlders…it’s not like he ever goes there (outside of an election campaign).

For the final nail in his coffin he has sent out an email to his army of trogodlyte acolytes stating that he is going to oppose this levy with all his might so they don’t have to waste $400 on money that could be used to get their BMW’s detailed, but at the bottom he asks for a DONATION to fund this campaign.

It’s staggering to think that any rational human being (I know I shouldn’t say that in reference to the Monk) would think this is a good idea on any level.  Of course he’s immediately invoked the Howard defence…”it wasn’t me, I didn’t hear anything, must have been a staffer”.

Surely this sort of tin eared approach to populism must prompt the “brains” of the Liberal party to consider a fast exit stage right for him…but then again they’re not exactly bulging with talent to replace him are they.

I say Pyne for LotO…at least we’d get some good comedy out of it.

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